I am a member in good standing of my local NATS chapter (National Association of Teacher's of Singing) and have been so for many years. Each year we have a singing festival, and as teachers we are asked to judge our colleagues students. The students are all ages: some are teens or children, some are young professionals or college students, and some are older singers "late bloomers" as we call them. One thing that has struck me over the years is the complete lack of knowledge on the part of these singers about proper audition attire! The 2008 Singing Festival was the pinnacle of abominable audition wear, and prompted me to write the following article:
The 2008 NATS Festival Fashion Report
Several years ago Katya Roemer, a wise NATS member, wrote a memorable note on one of my student’s comment sheets. Katya wrote, “If you sing like a Diva you must look like a Diva”. My student (unbeknownst to me) had show up to the NATS Festival wearing a denim mini dress and hiking boots. She luckily won her division, but she did lose points from all the teacher’s judging because she was not properly dressed for an audition. I was scandalized! One of MY students, committing crimes of fashion! I decided to get serious about this, and now I ALWAYS strenuously coach my students about their audition attire.
I must first say that all NATS teachers were appropriately and stylishly attired though many students did not observe the proscribed fashion rules. Oy! The young lady in the pink stretch lace skirt that made her look like one of the tutu clad hippos from Fantasia! The punk rocker with the huge ladders in her saggy baggy stockings! OMG!
The report:
One very lovely and extremely curvy mezzo had on a tight, fire engine red spandex dress. As if that was not attention grabbing enough, her huge jubblies were proudly and prominently displayed creating quite an uproar! She announced that she would be singing one of Cherubino’s arias, and some other mezzo pant’s role aria, but really, I didn’t hear a thing. She might even have been very good!
This is a fact that few people know, but I am unable to hear singing when scantily clad boobs are staring me in the face. I can only hear the singing of the boobs.
This is a true story-- I am not making it up: Once upon a time my husband and I went to see the Holy Names Opera Workshop. (It was, in fact, our very first date!) There was a rendition of the duet from L’Incoranazione di Poppea on the program. The young lady singing had on a very low cut dress, sans brassier. Each time she slewed to the left her boob would go flying across the flimsy fabric, and darn near escape! Each time this happened (and it did happen all too frequently during the scene) I would gasp! Would IT burst out? Would IT stay in? I spent the entire scene in a heightened state of suspense as the boobs ebbed and flowed like a stormy sea! How was the singing? What did this piece sound like? How would I know???
It is a very good thing that I was only the time monitor for the sexy dress audition, and not a judge. I heard nothing. The moral of this story is that boobs have no place in a singing audition. Muzzle those noisy boobs! Cover them, hide them! (Unless you are going to sing for the former Governor of NY, of course.)
As a sort of non sequitur, this busty girl was singing pants role mezzo repertoire. Even though this is a singing competition, this singer should at least have attempted to look like the characters she was portraying. I would not have hired her to sing a D Cup Cherubino, yet would have eagerly hired her to sing Salome in order to see her remove the veils. And so, please have your students sing their repertoire dressed to represent their fach…
Shoes: Many singers were wearing completely flat shoes, causing them to waddle duck-like to the piano, and stand with knees over-extended, like a chicken. And these were the ones with small feet! The ones with large feet and flat shoes were a flapping disaster. No Flats! They cause poor posture and make feet look gigantic. High-heeled strappy sandals were an even worse offense, causing the perpetrators to lurch, clomp and skid across the floor as if they were going bowling on stilts. Charm school is obviously a thing of the past, but learning to walk in shoes should be mandatory for all singers. I am not entirely sure it is even possible to walk gracefully in strappy stiletto sandals…
The proper shoe for a singer is a closed toed shoe with a medium or small heel. (Can we say “Opera Pumps?”) D’orsay pumps and slight opened toed pumps are ok, but for heaven’s sake leave the platform clompers, stilettos and duck smashers at home!
Wrinkles: One young man looked as if he had woken up in a haystack after a night of Ménage a trois. What a wild rumpus he was! His hair was all spiky, his shirt (apparently stuffed dirty into the corn press and retrieved in the morning) was wrinkled and it was BUTTONED WRONG. He was even wearing sneakers. NO WRINKLES OR SNEAKERS ALLOWED! Look like you care that we are seeing you. Look as if you are pleased to be at a singing competition! No Sneakers allowed EVER unless you plan to do a cross country race or marathon immediately following the Singing Festival.
Arms. Who knew that arms could be so offensive? There were large numbers of young ladies whose naked arms undulated like synchronized stuffed white worms. It is still winter! March arms are really white and cold. Cover them please. They might be ready in July.
Improper undergarments: Perhaps the worst thing I witnessed was in the form of yet another spandex dress that appeared to have been painted onto a young female singer’s body. As if this was not bad enough, the greatest transgression appeared only when she turned to leave the room. A slingshot appeared to be stuffed into her butt crack! Upon closer inspection, I ultimately discerned that she was actually wearing a thong! Wedgies are always uncomfortable, but I find it even more uncomfortable to look at someone else’s wedgie! Perhaps the board should discuss a special scholarship to be awarded next year at the festival for those singers who cannot afford underpants—The Underpants Scholarship. Perhaps I shall even donate it myself! The Campbell Underpants Award (to be used exclusively for the purchase of sensible undergarments) to be given to the singer wearing the most noticeable thong.
Gentle reader, I am not a prude! But I want to hear the singing, to see poised, well groomed singers gliding gracefully to the piano to pleasure my ears with dulcet tones. I do not want to see clomping, stomping fashion disasters wiggling and jiggling to the piano in revealing outfits best left to the pages of the Fredrick’s of Hollywood catalogue!
Before your students leave the house for an audition please make sure they observe this head to toe checklist:
1) Skirt or dress: My skirt or dress is below the knee. (A dress that falls right at the knee makes most people look like an Oompaloompa. My preference is for a dress well below the knee, as opposed to any skirt, as it creates a nicer line. Few people look good being bisected by a waistband, and it may make you look like a SAUSAGE IN A NAPKIN RING.
A line dresses are flattering for everyone! Did I forget to mention the Audrey Rule? Anything that Audrey Hepburn would wear is generally ok to wear at any time.)
1a) My dress skims the body attractively and does not cling in odd places or appear molded to it.
1b) I am wearing proper undergarments that do not create panty or thong lines. (A slip is a handy item to own)
1a) My clothing is neatly pressed and if I am a male, I am dressed as I would to go to church, or on a first date with someone very special.
2) Hose: If I don’t have nicely tanned legs, I am wearing hose or tights. Always.
3) Shoes: Do I have on a comfortable medium heel? Am I able to walk gracefully in my shoes and not flap, clomp, skid, slip or lurch to the piano? Whether I am male or female, I am not wearing athletic shoes.
4) Last but not least---The Chalupa Check: I am checking vigilantly to see that they are tucked carefully away so that one cannot see and hear them. If they are visible, I cover them with a dramatic scarf that can be flung confidently, diva-like over the shoulder, thus disguising those peeking chalupas.
With these rules your students should be look like confident, aspiring opera singers. Please note that I will be attending next year’s festival, and will be bringing a posse of fashion sniffing deputies as well.
Respectfully, Janet Campbell, Chief of the SFBAC NATS Fashion Police
The 2008 NATS Festival Fashion Report
Several years ago Katya Roemer, a wise NATS member, wrote a memorable note on one of my student’s comment sheets. Katya wrote, “If you sing like a Diva you must look like a Diva”. My student (unbeknownst to me) had show up to the NATS Festival wearing a denim mini dress and hiking boots. She luckily won her division, but she did lose points from all the teacher’s judging because she was not properly dressed for an audition. I was scandalized! One of MY students, committing crimes of fashion! I decided to get serious about this, and now I ALWAYS strenuously coach my students about their audition attire.
I must first say that all NATS teachers were appropriately and stylishly attired though many students did not observe the proscribed fashion rules. Oy! The young lady in the pink stretch lace skirt that made her look like one of the tutu clad hippos from Fantasia! The punk rocker with the huge ladders in her saggy baggy stockings! OMG!
The report:
One very lovely and extremely curvy mezzo had on a tight, fire engine red spandex dress. As if that was not attention grabbing enough, her huge jubblies were proudly and prominently displayed creating quite an uproar! She announced that she would be singing one of Cherubino’s arias, and some other mezzo pant’s role aria, but really, I didn’t hear a thing. She might even have been very good!
This is a fact that few people know, but I am unable to hear singing when scantily clad boobs are staring me in the face. I can only hear the singing of the boobs.
This is a true story-- I am not making it up: Once upon a time my husband and I went to see the Holy Names Opera Workshop. (It was, in fact, our very first date!) There was a rendition of the duet from L’Incoranazione di Poppea on the program. The young lady singing had on a very low cut dress, sans brassier. Each time she slewed to the left her boob would go flying across the flimsy fabric, and darn near escape! Each time this happened (and it did happen all too frequently during the scene) I would gasp! Would IT burst out? Would IT stay in? I spent the entire scene in a heightened state of suspense as the boobs ebbed and flowed like a stormy sea! How was the singing? What did this piece sound like? How would I know???
It is a very good thing that I was only the time monitor for the sexy dress audition, and not a judge. I heard nothing. The moral of this story is that boobs have no place in a singing audition. Muzzle those noisy boobs! Cover them, hide them! (Unless you are going to sing for the former Governor of NY, of course.)
As a sort of non sequitur, this busty girl was singing pants role mezzo repertoire. Even though this is a singing competition, this singer should at least have attempted to look like the characters she was portraying. I would not have hired her to sing a D Cup Cherubino, yet would have eagerly hired her to sing Salome in order to see her remove the veils. And so, please have your students sing their repertoire dressed to represent their fach…
Shoes: Many singers were wearing completely flat shoes, causing them to waddle duck-like to the piano, and stand with knees over-extended, like a chicken. And these were the ones with small feet! The ones with large feet and flat shoes were a flapping disaster. No Flats! They cause poor posture and make feet look gigantic. High-heeled strappy sandals were an even worse offense, causing the perpetrators to lurch, clomp and skid across the floor as if they were going bowling on stilts. Charm school is obviously a thing of the past, but learning to walk in shoes should be mandatory for all singers. I am not entirely sure it is even possible to walk gracefully in strappy stiletto sandals…
The proper shoe for a singer is a closed toed shoe with a medium or small heel. (Can we say “Opera Pumps?”) D’orsay pumps and slight opened toed pumps are ok, but for heaven’s sake leave the platform clompers, stilettos and duck smashers at home!
Wrinkles: One young man looked as if he had woken up in a haystack after a night of Ménage a trois. What a wild rumpus he was! His hair was all spiky, his shirt (apparently stuffed dirty into the corn press and retrieved in the morning) was wrinkled and it was BUTTONED WRONG. He was even wearing sneakers. NO WRINKLES OR SNEAKERS ALLOWED! Look like you care that we are seeing you. Look as if you are pleased to be at a singing competition! No Sneakers allowed EVER unless you plan to do a cross country race or marathon immediately following the Singing Festival.
Arms. Who knew that arms could be so offensive? There were large numbers of young ladies whose naked arms undulated like synchronized stuffed white worms. It is still winter! March arms are really white and cold. Cover them please. They might be ready in July.
Improper undergarments: Perhaps the worst thing I witnessed was in the form of yet another spandex dress that appeared to have been painted onto a young female singer’s body. As if this was not bad enough, the greatest transgression appeared only when she turned to leave the room. A slingshot appeared to be stuffed into her butt crack! Upon closer inspection, I ultimately discerned that she was actually wearing a thong! Wedgies are always uncomfortable, but I find it even more uncomfortable to look at someone else’s wedgie! Perhaps the board should discuss a special scholarship to be awarded next year at the festival for those singers who cannot afford underpants—The Underpants Scholarship. Perhaps I shall even donate it myself! The Campbell Underpants Award (to be used exclusively for the purchase of sensible undergarments) to be given to the singer wearing the most noticeable thong.
Gentle reader, I am not a prude! But I want to hear the singing, to see poised, well groomed singers gliding gracefully to the piano to pleasure my ears with dulcet tones. I do not want to see clomping, stomping fashion disasters wiggling and jiggling to the piano in revealing outfits best left to the pages of the Fredrick’s of Hollywood catalogue!
Before your students leave the house for an audition please make sure they observe this head to toe checklist:
1) Skirt or dress: My skirt or dress is below the knee. (A dress that falls right at the knee makes most people look like an Oompaloompa. My preference is for a dress well below the knee, as opposed to any skirt, as it creates a nicer line. Few people look good being bisected by a waistband, and it may make you look like a SAUSAGE IN A NAPKIN RING.
A line dresses are flattering for everyone! Did I forget to mention the Audrey Rule? Anything that Audrey Hepburn would wear is generally ok to wear at any time.)
1a) My dress skims the body attractively and does not cling in odd places or appear molded to it.
1b) I am wearing proper undergarments that do not create panty or thong lines. (A slip is a handy item to own)
1a) My clothing is neatly pressed and if I am a male, I am dressed as I would to go to church, or on a first date with someone very special.
2) Hose: If I don’t have nicely tanned legs, I am wearing hose or tights. Always.
3) Shoes: Do I have on a comfortable medium heel? Am I able to walk gracefully in my shoes and not flap, clomp, skid, slip or lurch to the piano? Whether I am male or female, I am not wearing athletic shoes.
4) Last but not least---The Chalupa Check: I am checking vigilantly to see that they are tucked carefully away so that one cannot see and hear them. If they are visible, I cover them with a dramatic scarf that can be flung confidently, diva-like over the shoulder, thus disguising those peeking chalupas.
With these rules your students should be look like confident, aspiring opera singers. Please note that I will be attending next year’s festival, and will be bringing a posse of fashion sniffing deputies as well.
Respectfully, Janet Campbell, Chief of the SFBAC NATS Fashion Police